When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Boobs speak an international language.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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