My liver just broke up with me...
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
