Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
