you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
