we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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