my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
