remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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