did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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