Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
