Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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