I molested 6 butterflies tonight
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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