Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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