I skipped work to stalk him.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
