I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
