My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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