Your mouth is God's brothel.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
