hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
