i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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