My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
