Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Randomize
