chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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