when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
