I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
