If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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