Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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