I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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