I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
