My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
