Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
