Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You took a bar mat shot.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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