my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
