So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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