why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
