drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
