i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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