i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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