Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
