saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
