you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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