yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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