Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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