Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
