I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize