I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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