I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
