pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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