I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
