OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
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