i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Rumble strips road head = magical
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
