Someone shit on the floor
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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