Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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