i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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