Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
