I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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