So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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