Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
