Duck Duck Cougar?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
