I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
