4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize