just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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