Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
The cops high fived after they tackled you
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
